Oh Marriage Where Is Your Sting ?
Sep 4, 2018
I remember moments where my back was against a wall pleading for freedom as my little body hid in the bathroom stall and ate my lunch. Their voices were clanging through the vibration of my eardrums ready to tear every bit of me into shreds. Tears recklessly filled the circumference of my eyes. The trauma infused at the moment was enough to mimic what was occurring within the confines of my environment at home. We lived in a two bedroom apartment, so noise traveled faster than the speed of light. And at a tender age my heart encoded details of conflict, verbatim.
It was all around me—the neighbourhood epidemic, the bullying at school. I saw it first hand, where men would speak to women disrespectfully and think it was okay, and where women would charge back; a defence mechanism to protect themselves. I walked by it carelessly everyday after school, each day was a different face but the same story replicated. My eyes wandered from a distance trying to eavesdrop, while at the same time looking like I was minding my own business. I could see myself in them. Their pretty brown faces, the big bamboo hoop earrings, and the glossy lip gloss they smacked on their lips that you could spot from a mile away.
Their voices choked up and so did my silence. I thought to myself, if I could one day have the confidence to stand up for myself I would be just like them. I couldn't tell if my hidden ideals were just another deja vu moment or if my mind was just mimicking characters out of the movie Baby Boy. Regardless, I coveted what they had, "strength". Strength to stand up for themselves and not back down. I learned it piece by piece and made it a remedy to my own love song.
It wasn't a story I boldly spoke about, the kids at school were mean. I wanted to fit in so I accepted their inconsistent behaviours; it wasn't their fault. Whatever they were experiencing behind closed doors was enough to allow the trauma to take form and trickle down to them isolating me, which led to me eating my lunch in the bathroom stalls.
At night, while I laid in slumber, within the isolated cracks it would start. From them were words that were sharper than a double edged sword. Words that cut and stitched deep. Taking my covers I would mask the violent roars from their calloused mouths. I was there—present—with every fast slur that they came at each other with. Who knew that those tumultuous moments were carving my soul bare as witness to my future. The image of my parents arguing was subconsciously formulating the same rhythm of conflict I had seen outside the house.
So here I was...
Years later standing in the kitchen with my husband. Mapping out the same equations that tattooed deeply inside from my childhood.
Churns of minute silence, my heart beat recklessly out my chest. It started with something so small that escalated really quickly— it was like rapid fire. My husbands’ words angered me, every verb, and vowel that came out of his mouth. He didn't say much, but his vague silence made my thoughts combust into agitation. His pupils dilated past me, his body became resistant to my call, as if I was just a mannequin posted up in a window.
I thought about all the things I could do, punch a whole in a wall? Slam the doors again like I did in the last few arguments. The impression of my childhood was replaying through my anger. But what I was displaying in his presence was the puzzle pieces I matched up as truth from an unspoken past. My inability to use my words lacked the power to carefully express my frustration. Although strong on the outside, my raging anger was a clear indicator that openly depicted a woman who was working out her trauma from her experience as a child.
So now the sting of conflict was making its mark clearly in my marriage.
Our actions were un-loving. Sometimes it felt like we were in a ring of fire. It felt like we were defeated by our own sins. Our differences spewed out, yet as grace lingered in our midst, our hands only gripped onto the lies. Our fierce passion of love towards each other in seconds had turned to bitter remarks of uncertainty. The idea of relationship was tainted by our world view and not always assimilated in God's truth. Where he lacked understanding, I lacked the patience to help him understand. So I used my words to charge at him and beat down his ego, which resulted in him shutting me out.
The cycle was repeating itself...
Marriage where was your sweet sting? Where was your loving reminder that love is not defined by the mishaps of trauma that we both have encoded in different forms. The flaws that have been birthed in us from the beginning by the mark of sin. Why was it so easy for us to easily forget God's graceful words?
" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." | 1 Corinthians 13:4-7|
Love sometimes seems powerless in the midst of chaos. I learned it's a journey and the path won't always be smooth. There will be a few bumps. However, with God's gracious hand dipped inside our lives we will make it through. My confidence doesn't lie in my ability to speak un-loving words towards my husband or to anybody. My confidence is in Christ and that reassures me that in the high's and low's He's working it out beautifully for our good.
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." |Proverbs 15: 1|
for the sake of love,
-N
Who Am I Becoming ?
Feb 9, 2018
To the newly christian married woman, if you are anything like me. You’re probably trying to figure it out all over again. You spent your single days waiting. Waiting on the man God had for you, while at the same time waiting on the Lord. Those days, often seemed dragged out. The idols of your heart were plenty. However, those days also taught you that God’s best was not in the man you fantasized about (tall, dark , handsome, blonde hair, blue eyes) I think you get my gist. Nevertheless, his best was in fact Himself. So where do you stand now? How do you cope with the changes? Will anyone really understand you? Will they understand the woman who wrestles her own reflection?
In the bliss of your union you knew in your heart that more than ever you wanted to marry the love your life. But, I’m sure you didn’t realize that it would come with you relearning yourself again in this season. I’m sure some days are lonely, not because no one gets it, but because there’s pressure to hold your household together and to hold yourself together too. The battle between self realization and reality is one which you stand in between the gaps trying to stitch up your flaws in place of God. Should I question God’s hand? I mean wouldn’t it be blasphemy? I would probably have bunch of people waving their fists at me. Cursing me back to dust because of my temporary radical rebellion.
My thoughts are in a bit of a mumbo jumbo. The more things that happen in my life the harder it is to grab hold of who I am. So much has happened and although my life simultaneously bleeds out life’s joy. I’ve been struggling in my womanhood. I want to do more, and create more. The more I draw near towards the gap, the farther away I am from myself. The things I love to do don’t excite me. I’m more focused on the chaos of making my house a home. Whipping up the best vegetarian meals for husband, while trying to find new methods of self care. Being a good friend. Finding passion in my creativity and sneaking in cuddles with my hard working husband on daily basis. Yet, nothing rattles my heart more than trying to understand who I am now. Has my identity changed? Am I more of woman now that I have a husband? Or can I be self reliant and still be married to a man who we swore before family friends we would depend on each other? How do I embrace this union and still keep my identity. The hiccups of life has my thoughts wrapped up in fear. Is my womanhood being tested? Or should I sit in silence and take life's blows to the head? See I don’t want to conform to categories, could it be that I’m being defiant? Or is God transitioning me into a period of discomfort that will lead me to become fully dependent on Him?
My life has changed drastically and praise God for it, but the fears that attaches itself to my blessings are from past traumas of things not working out. Needless to say, between all the long winded thoughts, the dragged out process of writing a book and becoming a wife the voice inside still trembles to hold on. I feel like I’m stuck in between. My lukewarm heart shatters to press towards the cold truth, God’s reaffirming word. How can I be a voice to the lost when I myself feel lost sometimes?
Yet, these things are nothing new to God. He watches me. Gives me the breath to breathe. He holds my life in His hands and when I feel like my life is thinning out, or my reality is becoming slowly blurred by my anxious heart. This I know, Your eyes say my unformed substance; in your books were written, everyone or them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. | Psalms 139:16|
These days are exactly where God wants me. In midst of the fog. He steers clear my heart towards his holy throne. These are the days where drawing closer to God is more than necessary. These are the days where I don’t have to hide or mask who I am. That behind this body is a woman of strength, grace and resilience.
I’m sure future milestones may come with its perils or there may be seasons where I might find myself once again questioning my abilities. But in the light of it all, I plead with you and say, “hey newly christian married women it’s going to be okay, in actuality you are growing and learning and becoming what you already are”. Relax the pen is in God’s hands.
Sincerely the woman becoming!
UPDATE!!!!!! So much has happened in my life since the last time I wrote a blog post. If you are following me on any of my social media platforms then you'd probably know that I'm releasing my first book!!!!!!!. It has been a challenging yet rewarding experience and I'm so excited for you guys to read the book. The release date is looking like OCTOBER 2018 so keep an eye out because I will be sharing more with you about the book.
- N
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