Some things don't need a title...

"Well, I don't laugh at your jokes and I don't think they're funny so maybe we aren't compatible -- are the words uttered from my lips to him. Once again I had said something that I truly didn't think about but acted on because I was all up in my feelings.

As I laid in bed yesterday night, I beat myself up over those words. Why ? Because these words hurt someone I truly care about. It was not intentional--But I admit that my extreme personality sometimes leads me to act foolish.  

I never intended to get super personal on my blog about my relationships. I believe some things are not always for the public eye. However, since this is my personal blog, I needed a place to clear my thoughts, and I thought I would write something for those who I take advantage of and hurt with my words; I want to show my sincere regrets to the ones I love on how my actions sometimes don't back up words.

Babe,

You matter. Your feelings matter. I adore the man you are and how God brought you in my life to be the piece to the puzzle of my hectic, crazy life. I must admit i'm work, a lot of work, and it's not your job to fix me up, but I do believe as a friend it's your job to be with me and fight with me through the mess. Growing up I settled with things I wanted to do and the boys I wanted to be with and even with friends I chose. I didn't understand the value in my voice or the power of expressing myself--i bottled things up and held onto my pain and let it birth annoyance with the world-- I'm sure you can relate to that. Like anything that needs to grow, you must feed it, nurture it until it no longer depends on you.

If I could go back into the past I would erase the bitterness from my lips, listen slowly and have the patience to align the words of my lips with the rhythm of my heart. I know what my heart means; I know what it feels but sometimes the words of my mind speaks for me too quickly before I can catch myself. I can't tell you the exact formula of why that is, I guess that is something God himself has to step in and teach me. Apologies become diluted if they are used too often and artificially; what I mean is,  if the person's actions constantly don't measure up with their words. Then anything the person has to say becomes ineffective. I hope that it never gets like that between us; that despite each others' flaws, our apologies will always be sincere. I know my words are not always loving, but I pray that you have patience and that you still make the effort to stay. I hope our love for each other reflects what Christ sees so that we don't dishonour each other, become self-seeking, be easily angered or keep records of our wrong.(1 Corinthians 13:5). May it be your everyday prayer that God works in my heart. May I be the very best for Him and the very best for myself to prepare me to be the wife that you are going to marry.

x.o

Afua; 

Our hearts can lie in many places and we can shatter our peace if we let the noise get too close. I let the noise get close , I let the lies shape my love for you. I let my actions of being an overly protective sister shape me into being a mean one. I'm sorry. I really don't understand where the distance between us comes from and why we are not like "other sisters". It hurts that maybe i'll never have that with you, that you probably won't be the first one I run to when I have good news about the events in my life. That you won't be within reach when I'm in the most difficult seasons and I just need my sister. My sister, the one I love, laugh and talk to on the phone for hours about random stuff or even laugh at our parents because they can be straight up annoying. It hurts that maybe we will never have that. I'll admit that I have said some hurtful things in the spur of the moment. I know those words cut you deep and they remain in your thoughts.  Who knew that you would grow up to be your own person? It was naive of me to think you would be young forever; to think that one day the power I have as the older sister who can boss you around would not lose its vigor. Shockingly, it happend, and my hand was losing the grip over your life as you started to develop hips and your beautiful chocolate melanin started to appease the boys. I hope one day you can forgive me. That we will not only be sisters by blood but sisters in action. I pray that you become the best version of yourself and that loving you to me will be loving you despite all the things we've been through.

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we out to lay down our lives for our brothers(1 John 3:16). That I may understand God's love for us through our relationship and actively lay my life down for you, in love, speech and in my actions. A friend once told me that when it comes to family you can't have pride. The certainty of those words put things into reality. I love you. I hope that your perspective continues to mature, and you never settle or give pieces of yourself to people who don't deserve it. I hope one day we can really move past the hurts and realize the value of each other while we sip some virgin piña coladas on a beach somewhere LOL. May your prayer be that my heart changes to understand all that you are and may Christ be the solid foundation in our relationship as we put the devil to shame.

I hope one day our love for each other draws no limits.

x.o.x

God has been using these relationships to expose the rawness of me: how I am when His light shines on my life. The things I seriously have to change and the issues of my heart that have been growing since I was a child. I'm in my most vulnerable state. I'm fragile. But it's okay; I don't have full ownership of my life, God does. My mistakes don't define who I am. I believe that there are some characteristics that God himself gave to me. Should I ever settle into another persons light, then i've lost myself in the process of growth. Remember that your mistakes don't shape who you are--realize them and work towards being better for yourself. Seriously, if you're reading this pray for me, that I will not lose myself in the progress of uncovering my mistakes. 

A fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. (Proverbs 18:7)

for the sake of his love, 

NanaOhh.