I'm Adopted

I never knew my birth father. The one who created me. I always questioned who he was. As a child, I would stare in the mirror for long periods of time analyzing my features, wondering if I had his nose, eyes or ears. The shadow image of my father in my head couldn't be identified. I longed for him to hold me and tell me that I'm the only girl he ever loved. I prayed relentlessly in my heart that one day I would have that daddy and daughter bond. I wanted him to protect me. To protect my heart. I watched other little girls around me share that unconditional love with their own fathers. I envied the bond they had. Why was I so unlucky? 

The man whose DNA and blood flowed through my veins did not care to fight for me.  What kind of father leaves his child? I hated him. And hated even more the desire to know this stranger I longed to call my father. But as I grew older the passion dwindled; probably because I had grown some hips and the boys were starting to pay attention to me.

The year before High school I met Donnie, my first love. He was everything I longed for in a man. Donnie made me feel beautiful.The words that flowed from his mouth were like honey. He carried such a charm with him. The girls all wanted to be with him. But he was mine and I loved that I had that reward for myself. My relationship with Donnie was a mental escape for me not to deal with my reality. I felt alone-- my mother was always working. I was left to watch over my younger siblings.

The long overnight shifts my mother picked up gave me the opportunity to have Donnie around. And I loved it. 

We would fool around. He introduced me to things that girls my age didn't even dare think of. Although I knew it was wrong, the power for me to say no was lost in the shadows of the passion I felt for him. He made me feel beautiful. He protected me. And he loved me.  I couldn't picture myself with anyone else. Although the topic of marriage never came up I knew for certain that I would marry him. YES, I WAS GOING TO BE DONNIE WILLIAMS’ WIFE!!! I didn't care what anyone else had to say. 

Donnie was the definition of love. In my mind not even an estranged father could top the love Donnie showed me. I was his queen; and who was going to knock me off my throne?

My world shattered the night I found out that Donnie had another girlfriend. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me when my best friend delivered the news to me. I wanted to die. How could he betray me like this? Was I not good enough? As I laid on the bathroom floor I tried, I really tried, to grab hold of the world around me. As the tears fell, I felt as though my soul was about to leave my body. This had to be the end of life for me. I mean, how could I go on living? The man I loved had betrayed me!

I carried the pain of Donnie’s betrayal in my heart. I had lost all hope to trust men. They had all turned their back on me. Despite this, I never let the mishaps kill my drive. I worked my hardest to get in the best schools. I refused to let my issues shape my life-- or at least I tried for it not to shape my life. I mistreated and disrespected the men in my life. I had no intentions to build any real relationships with them. You could say I used them to get what I needed to get, then drop them like they never existed. 

It was in my second year of university when I met my father. I had been invited to speak at a small study group. I was feeling quite overwhelmed and very nervous. So I said a little prayer to calm my nerves and anxiety. Before I could end my prayer, a strange presence overwhelmed me. It gave me a sense of peace. And in some weird supernatural way in that moment I felt God's love. I decided that before I headed out I would open the bible my aunt gave to me on my high school graduation. I blew the dust off and opened it. And it read: God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. 6 So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. 7 He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins.| Ephesians 1: 5-7|

And it was in that moment that I realized that my father had always been with me....

For the sake of his love,
NanaOhh.