To Value & Protect

I have been trying to write about this subject matter for what seems like a hundred years. I write and re-write because on one end, I have to maintain the facts that surround this subject, while at the same time making sure my emotions don’t overwhelm and take away from what I am trying to say.  Sexual violence stories have taken quite a prominent role in our news stories, from Bill Cosby to Jian Ghomeshi. Women have been bravely coming forward to expose the violence done to them by these seemingly powerful figures, who generally had the respect and support of the public.  What these stories have done has not only revealed how despicable and vile these men’s actions were, but they have also revealed how deeply imbedded patriarchy and misogyny is within ourselves.

I say it is within ourselves because we are society. Our actions, words, beliefs, values have created the miasma that we live in. We perpetuate patriarchy in how we talk about women, about men, about our relationships with each other, with our environment. It’s done subtly and expertly through movies, music, tv shows, art, fashion etc.

Sexual violence has no basis in any expression of love.  When someone commits a sexual assault, they are not loving, caring, valuing or protecting the person they are assaulting. Instead, this person (or people) are using force to humiliate and dominate, control and coerce another human being. Forcing submission.

Sexual assault isn’t contained in our general understanding of extreme violence. Sexual assault can be forced oral contact (kissing), groping, fondling, oral-genital contact, vaginal penetration and anal penetration.** When you impose your will upon another human being and you act upon them without their consent, you are committing an act of violence.  When you demean, and devalue, and essentially kill someone’s spirit, you are committing an act of violence.

And what do we say when a man forces himself on a woman, drugs her, fondles her, coerces her into sexual activity? Do we rise up in anger over his actions? No. We look at the survivor of this man’s actions and we wonder what she could have done to deserve the violence perpetrated against her. There has to be a reason for this perfectly rational man to humiliate, dominate, abuse, and exert his control on her body. Perhaps her dress was too short? She was probably too flirty! She was definitely asking for it, having her cleavage and ass out like that. It started off consensual and now she is crying “sexual assault?” Oh, she’s just embarrassed to be labeled a whore! These and many other phrases are used to justify acts of sexual violence! No one deserves to be violated. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE VIOLATED.

But patriarchy says it’s ok. Patriarchy forces a silver lining and says, “If how you behave, dress, and just generally if a man wants you, he has the authority to exert force on you, uninvited or not.” Patriarchy says that you can’t possibly sexually assault your spouse, because your spouse belongs to you. They are your property to do as you please.” Misogyny says there are times and places and moments where a woman DESERVES the violence she receives from a man. Patriarchy and misogyny do not require consent. They don’t respect boundaries. They say that you cannot withdraw consent. That you cannot stop what you have started. That you are responsible for the sexual violence perpetrated on you.

And we internalize this. We end up saying “Well, sometimes girls are too flirty, or are dressed provocatively, so of course it’s going to turn a guy on and make him want to do something…” Similar statements like these are protecting and validating acts of sexual violence. Men become animals that act out based on stimulus. They have no control. How then do we expect to have healthy, respectful relationships with rabid, uncontrollable animals? How can you not fear such an animal?

This place where we validate acts of sexual violence rather than deploring it is killing all of us.  It’s hurting the way we relate to each other. It’s hurting the way we support each other.

God calls us to be holy as he is holy (1Peter1:16). There is no room for sexual violence (or any kind of violence) in Christ. Not when you are single. Not when you have a significant other. Not when you have a spouse. Using your power to abuse, humiliate, dominate, violate, exploit or coerce another human being is not Christ-like. God tells us to build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11); to love one another (John 13:34).  In Christ, we are to value and protect and protect each other. Holiness is not just for women to clothe themselves in. Men are to be Holy as well. Because when you start to value human life/ human bodies, you will find it abhorrent to coerce, violate, humiliate or abuse another human being.

Everyone has a right to be treated with respect and dignity. When you use your power to dominate and humiliate, you have stripped away that person’s Human Right. Furthermore, we must be vigilant in the music, films, advertising, fashions that we consume that validate misogyny and patriarchy. We can’t continue to prop up our friends, family, favourite artists, musicians, fashion labels, producers, directors, teachers, professors, etc when they perpetuate the very thing that is corroding our society. We cannot continue to complain about patriarchy and misogyny when we find it entertaining and harmless, depending on the context that suits us. Hold all these people accountable. And most of all, let's hold ourselves accountable.

Sexual violence hurts all of us.

We need to STOP protecting people who commit sexual assault/sexual violence.

The perpetrator is the one who is at fault.

Not the survivor.

For The Sake of His Love,

Chenai.

Bellow is the link to the sexual assault centre:
**https://www.sace.ab.ca/index.php/learn/online-lessons/sexual-assault