#Christian #God #freedom #plans
He Asked Me To Marry Him, But...
May 18, 2017
To whom it may concern,
As a little girl I envisioned the day I would get married. I mapped out the experience down to the finest detail. The intense joy I would feel from saying yes to the dress and to the man of my dreams. Cheers of excitement, my mother fighting back her tears as she reached out to embrace me in the moment. My heart bursting with joy--unguarded and untamed, my palms sweating with all nervousness. Mumbling under my breath a song of gladness “ In his time he makes all things beautiful | Ecclesiastes 3:11. I was finally getting married to the man whom my soul loved. The day would be magical, decor to the finest detail, exceptional food, centrepieces overflowing with flowers, loads of entertainment you name it… your girl had it aligned to the ‘t’. I knew when it happened, I would do it once and only once. However, I never gave much thought to engagement period, although the thought crossed my mind. Nothing propelled me more than what I wanted to happen on my wedding day.
Yet,
The past few weeks of my life have been a nightmare. I got engaged on my twenty-fifth birthday and with exuding shouts of joy, I said YES ! Having all the most important people in my life was a glorious experience, a moment I can't even form into words. My body instantly went into shock. However weeks after the hype came the reality of two flawed hearts neck and neck at each other. Cultural customs, financial restraints, and my desires--incapable of distinguishing truth. The memoirs of my child-like self was struggling to see the lines of compromise. Every time I tried to walk towards the gap of reconciliation my heart became torn with the desires that I envisioned as a young girl.
The painstaking truth was It was becoming hard to distinguish; between what I wanted and what was actually important. Ultimately, I knew the answer was my marriage, however, my fantasies were unwinding and expressing something else. I had to unlearn and it was hard.
See our hearts are a reflection of our inner-self, thoughts, feelings and desires. However, there are dangers that can arise from the heart if it’s not taken care of. The concerning reality is that most of us are not actively working on our hearts. I was naive to think that when I got into this relationship I was a complete package.
I realized that when I became a Christian I needed to make a continuous choice and give up my old ways of thinking. I laid in bed for days battling the thought of letting some of these desires go. My mind racing I knew this was a life and death process. I knew I had to choose life and live in God’s fullness and die to what I was used to. I had to remind myself that although an idea of having a beautiful wedding was exciting, God’s intent for me was a lifelong commitment with my partner |Ephesians 5:31| which would ultimately reflect our relationship with Christ. I had to renew my heart and align it to truth. The unfathomable reality was God was bringing two sinful people together for his glory. This required both of us to see outside of ourselves and our desires. And although in this engagement season we haven’t perfectly shown the 1 Corinthians 13 type of love, I knew the challenges we were facing as a couple was God’s way of exposing the areas of our hearts that needed to be renewed.
The struggle is real I’m still learning. Ladies from me to you, don’t succumb to the hype of the seeds planted in infancy. To my singles who are waiting: enjoy the season you are in, focus on laying your heart in the potter's hands allowing him to shape you. Building character is hard, but it is necessary. It will expose the dark crevices of your soul and shape you to be the image of his son Jesus Christ. Remember our hearts are fragile and deceitful; if we don’t guard it can lead to our very own destruction.
Sincerely,
A flawed heart.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
for the sake of love,
A stamp of freedom
Jun 11, 2015
Wow, it's been such a long time since I sat down and poured out my emotions! I don't know if my heart has been heavy, my minds been clouded or my spirit is flat out dry within. Whatever it is, in the midst of this journey my mind has been struck down with so many things that I cannot even physically begin to put into words.
I'm a writer, or at least I would like to assume that I am. I find my escape in pouring out my heart on paper. I get an adrenalin rush every time the pen hits the pages, it's like a spontaneous combustion, a work of art or the feeling of falling in love for the first time! It's close enough to the high you get when you first experience God's love. And if you've never experienced that love then picture your first kiss with your crush-- it's exhilarating! A sweet escape! That is exactly how I feel when I get to run away into that place and let go.
For a very long time the battle of finding my passion was quite horrific. Just the thought of it made my stomach turn or clump into knots. I made myself believe that if I could just run away from anything that challenged my well being I would never have to encounter it again. Wrong! The challenges came, and every time I tried to escape, it followed me.
I was a caterpillar afraid to grow into a butterfly; I accepted the identity my parents wanted me to be and never had the urgency to even think about finding myself. I was afraid that if I stepped out the box I would lose myself or not meet the standards that were being measured against me. So I stayed in the box and chose not to grow. They wanted me to be a certain way so they could brag to their friends about me being a pharmacist, their perfect facade. It was safe and it assured them peace at night. But I was not at peace: I felt lost, numb and just flat out confused!
Being in a place of confusion sucks. Your mind messes with you; you question who you are and if there's any point to your existence. You subconsciously start to envy those around you because they seemingly have it all figured out. You are full of despair; you are sad, angry and discouraged. You throw yourself a pity party, and as weird as it sounds, the only thing that gives you a sense of relief is laying in your bed and crying yourself to sleep.You doubt and constantly replay your regrets in your head like a broken record. Trust me, I know; when I speak, I speak from experience because I've been there countless times.
It was not until I found the courage to ask, to speak and to rise above the fear that I found my art. I fell in love with a King and he started to form me into this glorious masterpiece. His thoughts for me were perfect; they aligned with his will. He showed me that the very thing that I was running from is the very thing for which I was created. So you're probably asking how did I figure it out ? When did I know for sure? Well you already know the answer; it's that desire that you can't stop thinking about. The ideas that float in your head but you're too afraid to even go for. It's the passion that you're afraid to admit to yourself that you have. It's your art, it's you, all that you were created to be!
So just don't settle because everyone has an opinion on how you should live your life, what you should do and when you should do it. Just don't settle because you are afraid. Fear is something that will rob you of your joy. As I sat in God's presence this morning, I came across a verse that reassured me: For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory( 2
Corinthians 1:20 ). His promises are Yes's and our Amen solidify our gifts for his glory. So if you're still trying to figure what your gift is or the passion that you're so confused about, I encourage you to commit your plans to God and know that if he has placed the desire in you, his promises are Yes's and that Amen that you seal to end your prayer with will be a stamp that will bring glory to his name.
Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established.(Proverbs 16:3)
For the sake of his Love,
NanaOhh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
