He Asked Me To Marry Him, But...
May 18, 2017
To whom it may concern,
As a little girl I envisioned the day I would get married. I mapped out the experience down to the finest detail. The intense joy I would feel from saying yes to the dress and to the man of my dreams. Cheers of excitement, my mother fighting back her tears as she reached out to embrace me in the moment. My heart bursting with joy--unguarded and untamed, my palms sweating with all nervousness. Mumbling under my breath a song of gladness “ In his time he makes all things beautiful | Ecclesiastes 3:11. I was finally getting married to the man whom my soul loved. The day would be magical, decor to the finest detail, exceptional food, centrepieces overflowing with flowers, loads of entertainment you name it… your girl had it aligned to the ‘t’. I knew when it happened, I would do it once and only once. However, I never gave much thought to engagement period, although the thought crossed my mind. Nothing propelled me more than what I wanted to happen on my wedding day.
Yet,
The past few weeks of my life have been a nightmare. I got engaged on my twenty-fifth birthday and with exuding shouts of joy, I said YES ! Having all the most important people in my life was a glorious experience, a moment I can't even form into words. My body instantly went into shock. However weeks after the hype came the reality of two flawed hearts neck and neck at each other. Cultural customs, financial restraints, and my desires--incapable of distinguishing truth. The memoirs of my child-like self was struggling to see the lines of compromise. Every time I tried to walk towards the gap of reconciliation my heart became torn with the desires that I envisioned as a young girl.
The painstaking truth was It was becoming hard to distinguish; between what I wanted and what was actually important. Ultimately, I knew the answer was my marriage, however, my fantasies were unwinding and expressing something else. I had to unlearn and it was hard.
See our hearts are a reflection of our inner-self, thoughts, feelings and desires. However, there are dangers that can arise from the heart if it’s not taken care of. The concerning reality is that most of us are not actively working on our hearts. I was naive to think that when I got into this relationship I was a complete package.
I realized that when I became a Christian I needed to make a continuous choice and give up my old ways of thinking. I laid in bed for days battling the thought of letting some of these desires go. My mind racing I knew this was a life and death process. I knew I had to choose life and live in God’s fullness and die to what I was used to. I had to remind myself that although an idea of having a beautiful wedding was exciting, God’s intent for me was a lifelong commitment with my partner |Ephesians 5:31| which would ultimately reflect our relationship with Christ. I had to renew my heart and align it to truth. The unfathomable reality was God was bringing two sinful people together for his glory. This required both of us to see outside of ourselves and our desires. And although in this engagement season we haven’t perfectly shown the 1 Corinthians 13 type of love, I knew the challenges we were facing as a couple was God’s way of exposing the areas of our hearts that needed to be renewed.
The struggle is real I’m still learning. Ladies from me to you, don’t succumb to the hype of the seeds planted in infancy. To my singles who are waiting: enjoy the season you are in, focus on laying your heart in the potter's hands allowing him to shape you. Building character is hard, but it is necessary. It will expose the dark crevices of your soul and shape you to be the image of his son Jesus Christ. Remember our hearts are fragile and deceitful; if we don’t guard it can lead to our very own destruction.
Sincerely,
A flawed heart.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
for the sake of love,
Lies of Panic
Apr 20, 2017
New
you make all things new.
still.
my bones cage in my existence.
Be still. I whisper, be still.
I hide myself behind emotional concrete walls. I've taught myself to equate God's goodness with how to live, what I should do, and how I should do it. I've exchanged my dignity to legalistic ways of love.
It's left me empty and misinformed of truth. However, His unaltered truth remains. He remains. Yet, at times I remain down.
I've attributed Your being to human qualities. I say I've laid your word across my heart only to
access it occasionally.
When the storms of frustration hits. When my mind jumps ahead of me 100km/h. When worry seems to rip my heart apart. When prayer is the sound of weeping than praise. I lay my splintered cross at your feet, I try to deny myself (Matthew 16:24), and allow the truth to penetrate the lies of panic.
I've lived my life through shattered hearts that struggle to live their own truth. I've envied their plastered quotes and the repetitive chatter of rules that worked for them.
I've imprisoned my being, comparing my identity to those who my father used to compare my younger self to. A distant memory that often lingers.
That breaks parts of me down from time to time.
I've been the sheep that has left the flock. I've wondered off in the distance searching for pieces of me in a world that seems to hate me. I've lost my own battle, as a result I've created scars which no longer can be erased from my memory.
I've dug up my own cisterns, the ones that can not sustain water( Jeremiah 2:13). The cracked bottoms are reflection of the life I risk loosing to the pleasures of the world by going astray. Each time I try to patch up the wounds. I end up scratching the surface of my own rebellion.
I try to find the place where the water flows--the land of milk and honey.
Yet.
Yet the reflection of the water from the sun is tainted with opaque idols that reflect the canvas of my soul. The itching relief of freedom, is what my soul longs for. But the bondage of my thoughts escapes through my anxiety.
You hold me up, when anxiety holds me down!
You make a way in the wilderness,when the lies of panic choke me up.
I relentlessly pursue after the one who can heal me. I'm at a place in my life where I can barely hear myself and the truth at the same time. The missing puzzles of my life cling to me.
There's longing to knock out cultural norms and to be inexhaustibly human.
To be what I need to be.
a being.unkept. a work in progress.
In the midst, my mind finds the fault in the stained imprints of sin.
However, I believe the one who has freed me has set me free from it all.
There will be days I will long to go back,
but oh Lord remind me that my soul can only find rest in you alone.
Rest to break free from a condemned heart.
and an anxious soul!
Rest from the lies of panic, that heeds to rebellion.
Rest to the truth: that you make all things new!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? | Isaiah 43:18-19|
for the sake of love,
Flaming Whispers!
Apr 5, 2017
The flames of my words can burn sometimes.
I lose all focus.
The tension becomes too much.
So I speak without thinking.
A woman with many words. Sharpe with her tongue.
My conscious screams, BE PATIENT!
but my flaws has already been undone.
BE QUICK TO HEAR and slow to speak!
The INTAKE is better than the outtake --are the melodies that play silently in the mist of the chaos.
The INTAKE is better than the outtake --are the melodies that play silently in the mist of the chaos.
The whispers of my words are the silent cries from within.
I'm learning that flames of my words can hurt.
They can cut deep.
but my intentions are good .
I'm learning that flames of my words can hurt.
They can cut deep.
but my intentions are good .
for the sake of love,
N
Speak to Your Mountains
Feb 17, 2017
And Ruth the Moabitess said unto Naomi, Let me now go to the
field, and glean ears of corn after him in whose sight I shall find grace. And
she said unto her, Go, my daughter. (Ruth 2:2-KJV)
I found myself in the book of Ruth, a book that I’ve read quite a
few times already. My mind was thinking, Why am I here again, I’ve already read
this. I was led to chapter 2 verse 2 specifically. I couldn’t get it out of my
mind the entire day. Only later did I realize that God kept emphasizing that
Ruth boldly spoke that she would go into Boaz’s field, and she would find
grace in his sight, and Naomi encouraged her. Ruth didn’t question
whether Boaz would accept her to enter his field. The King James Version, says Let
me now go to the field, and glean ears of corn after him in whose sight I
shall find grace. She boldly declared that she would find
favour, and she went.
This reminds me why we ought to come boldly, with authority to the throne of grace, and speak that which we want to see fulfilled. Our words are spirit and life. When we find ourselves in particular seasons, face-to-face with challenges, our words should be that of victory spoken in the authority of Christ. It doesn’t help to build mountains that we will need to move again.
This reminds me why we ought to come boldly, with authority to the throne of grace, and speak that which we want to see fulfilled. Our words are spirit and life. When we find ourselves in particular seasons, face-to-face with challenges, our words should be that of victory spoken in the authority of Christ. It doesn’t help to build mountains that we will need to move again.
Moreover, as Ruth worked in the field, Boaz spotted her, inquired of her,
and extended to her grace. He told her not to go glean in another field but to stay
close to where the other women were; he extended a hedge of protection on her
from the ardor of other men. Additionally, if she were in need of water,
refreshment or rest, it was available to her (Ruth 2:3,8-9). That’s grace!
The lesson I take from this is that, wherever you are, and
whatever you have been entrusted to do, speak life, speak victory, let the
words of your mouth command the blessings of God so that God will grace you
with those blessings as you are faithfully gleaning the field. That thing
that you want is right in front of you. Don’t do yourself a disservice by
speaking words of doubt, destruction or death. Speak life and let God honour
you; you may end up not having to work all fields, but only need to work one,
and in that one, you will get a lot of perks you never thought possible.
Just as Jesus assured his disciples that if they have faith, and do not doubt, they can say to the mountain "be you cast into the sea" and it will be done (Matthew 21:21) you can speak to the mountains in your life, and see your circumstances change.
for the sake of love,
Chenai
for the sake of love,
Chenai
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
