As I Lament...

To count the cost or to lose it all to my anxious soul. The lack of patience within me is buried deep down by my blinded thoughts of what or how I think God should be. I lament over my current state. I can barely lift my head, I try to recite the truth about scripture but what meets me half way is the numbness of my thoughts. In melancholy the evil that surrounds me helps me to war with my spirit. It pushes me to denounce the hope that I know because as frail as I am-- so could my faith possibly be--in the moment.

So how did I get here? Where I think it is better to die than to fight for the truth that I've grown to love so dearly. I close my eyes and try to reminisce on the day I was born-- maybe then I could understand my value. I repeatedly recite Psalms 139:13,"you knit me in my mothers womb, you knit me in my... but I'm interrupted by the pain-stricken echo of my conscious uttering curses of the day I encountered life. Taking deep breaths I say to myself to feel pain in an unfamiliar state means death has to be better. The lies overwhelm me, they somehow have manipulated me to believe that it is the only truth. While the only truth lingers between the pages of the Holy Book untouched tucked under my pillow. I can vividly imagine Satan prancing around rejoicing in me slowly losing hope in the anthem I've proclaimed to be my source of everlasting joy.

My spirit tells me to fight, to fight against the lies and to cling to the cross that has redeemed me from the sting of the death. The tears I've cried is anchor for me to lift my hands to the One who can help me. As I search deep within my soul for the peace I know He can give, I feel like I am no longer surrounded by His presence. In chains, I state my plea, " Lord, If I'm your child, if I'm seen as the one you love release me from the pit that I am. For, how long Lord? Will you forget me forever? |Psalms 13:1|.

I feel Lord... I feel like I'm walking with the dead, and in search of joy I find none. There is no sign of your love, the love that can easily break my bones and bring me back into the ashes I am made of. Although, I feel so much pain within me; my heart silently whispers to my thoughts, " how long must we wrestle against each other?|Psalms 13:2| The irony of David sorrows gave me a sense of peace. How could a man who lived over 3000 years ago be able to speak the pain that currently encapsulates the sorrow in my heart?

A man of trouble, it was said that David's life reflected the heartbeat of God. I paused and reframe my state of mind to match his unwavering faith...why are you so down cast oh my soul ? |Psalms 43:5|,
Has the Lord not been good to you ? Why not rejoice in him ?|Psalms 13:5| are the questions in scripture I found myself to speak above lies that griped me so tightly.

In meditation of David love for God I'm reminded of God's unfailing love for me, though in my darkness he is the light. In my sorrow I tell myself daily the truth and intentionally fall to my knees, and pick up my bible. Some days I sing songs, and in other days I weep, but I know in my sufferings I'm not alone. I engulf in the truth and I know that although my salvation won't be a linear road. God has promised that he will never leave nor forsake me. It's easy to let our feelings run the show, throw ourselves pity parties but it's important to remind ourselves that our feelings are not our truth. It changes like the seasons. There is a saying that goes like this, "you can't teach a old dog new tricks", well I hate to break it to you in Christ old things are made new. In essence, what I'm trying to say is even in our pain Christ is our comforter but we have to fight the lies and the schemes of the enemy by constantly renewing our minds from our old ways of thinking.

When your skies seem grey, your nights feel lonely and fear surrounds you please don't give up and give into the doubts because on the other side of our struggle glory awaits. We know this to be true because it's promised to us. So we need to understand that there is hope set before us even in our sorrows. Be encouraged, "We have this hope as anchor for our souls, firm and secure. It has ability to lead us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary" |Hebrews 6:19|.

So as I Lament over my sorrows, I rejoice in the glory that is yet to be revealed.