I'm Adopted
Feb 19, 2016
I never knew my birth father. The one who created me. I always questioned who he was. As a child, I would stare in the mirror for long periods of time analyzing my features, wondering if I had his nose, eyes or ears. The shadow image of my father in my head couldn't be identified. I longed for him to hold me and tell me that I'm the only girl he ever loved. I prayed relentlessly in my heart that one day I would have that daddy and daughter bond. I wanted him to protect me. To protect my heart. I watched other little girls around me share that unconditional love with their own fathers. I envied the bond they had. Why was I so unlucky?
The man whose DNA and blood flowed through my veins did not care to fight for me. What kind of father leaves his child? I hated him. And hated even more the desire to know this stranger I longed to call my father. But as I grew older the passion dwindled; probably because I had grown some hips and the boys were starting to pay attention to me.
The year before High school I met Donnie, my first love. He was everything I longed for in a man. Donnie made me feel beautiful.The words that flowed from his mouth were like honey. He carried such a charm with him. The girls all wanted to be with him. But he was mine and I loved that I had that reward for myself. My relationship with Donnie was a mental escape for me not to deal with my reality. I felt alone-- my mother was always working. I was left to watch over my younger siblings.
The long overnight shifts my mother picked up gave me the opportunity to have Donnie around. And I loved it.
We would fool around. He introduced me to things that girls my age didn't even dare think of. Although I knew it was wrong, the power for me to say no was lost in the shadows of the passion I felt for him. He made me feel beautiful. He protected me. And he loved me. I couldn't picture myself with anyone else. Although the topic of marriage never came up I knew for certain that I would marry him. YES, I WAS GOING TO BE DONNIE WILLIAMS’ WIFE!!! I didn't care what anyone else had to say.
Donnie was the definition of love. In my mind not even an estranged father could top the love Donnie showed me. I was his queen; and who was going to knock me off my throne?
My world shattered the night I found out that Donnie had another girlfriend. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me when my best friend delivered the news to me. I wanted to die. How could he betray me like this? Was I not good enough? As I laid on the bathroom floor I tried, I really tried, to grab hold of the world around me. As the tears fell, I felt as though my soul was about to leave my body. This had to be the end of life for me. I mean, how could I go on living? The man I loved had betrayed me!
I carried the pain of Donnie’s betrayal in my heart. I had lost all hope to trust men. They had all turned their back on me. Despite this, I never let the mishaps kill my drive. I worked my hardest to get in the best schools. I refused to let my issues shape my life-- or at least I tried for it not to shape my life. I mistreated and disrespected the men in my life. I had no intentions to build any real relationships with them. You could say I used them to get what I needed to get, then drop them like they never existed.
It was in my second year of university when I met my father. I had been invited to speak at a small study group. I was feeling quite overwhelmed and very nervous. So I said a little prayer to calm my nerves and anxiety. Before I could end my prayer, a strange presence overwhelmed me. It gave me a sense of peace. And in some weird supernatural way in that moment I felt God's love. I decided that before I headed out I would open the bible my aunt gave to me on my high school graduation. I blew the dust off and opened it. And it read: God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. 6 So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. 7 He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins.| Ephesians 1: 5-7|
And it was in that moment that I realized that my father had always been with me....
For the sake of his love,
NanaOhh.
Create in me : Tamara Renaye
Feb 15, 2016
Tamera Renaye's positivity really inspires me; she is such a light on my timeline. Her style is a mix of modern and classy. I love that she is able too keep up with the latest trends while maintaining a demure look. Her passion to create is definitely represented in her style. Below Tamara allows us to know a little bit about more herself.
Enjoy!
Hi everyone! My name is Tamara Renaye. I'm a 23 year old freelance stylist based in Toronto. I am currently majoring in Fashion Business Management. I've always been into fashion, but never took it seriously at first. Over the years of exploring my style, I realized the fashion industry is where I want to be.
My favourite scripture is Jeremiah 29:11 which reads, "For I know the plans I have for you," says The Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." I am a Woman of God, so I believe in going to God first, through prayer, with whatever is on my heart, and I also believe that I have a calling/purpose over my life. With the extra push from family and friends, and God revealing what's for me, I decided to go forth with creating my personal style blog. I've learned to love myself inside and out. I love my body and I love the woman I am today.
My desire is to inspire the uninspired; to help those in need of finding their true sense of style. I want people to look and feel good in what they wear, and most importantly, comfortable and presentable. I want people to love who they are. You can check out my blog tamararenaye.blogspot.ca. All my social media links and contact information can be found on there for any questions and/or assistance.
Xo,
Tamara Renaye
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The Right To Choose
Feb 14, 2016
I know fear is from the devil. I know that worry is a spirit, so is anxiety. I don’t know how to feel right now. I’m not fearful or anxious or any of those emotions. I’m in-between contemplation and frustration.
There’s this idea that if a woman does certain things then she can “cheat-proof” her house; that her man will not stray only if she adheres to these things. And it frustrates me to read articles of men who cheat on their women, and even before I delve into the article to get the sordid details, my mind is already racing, speculating, and I end up bristling with annoyance and anger because almost immediately, the ideas about how to cheat-proof a relationship pop into my mind. It’s frustrating because most of these articles focus on what a woman can and should do in order to make sure that a man thinks twice (or doesn’t even entertain the thought) of straying: a woman has to be many things, but not too much that she leaves a man feeling inadequate.
It’s a huge lie to say there is something that a person can do to keep another from cheating. The truth of the matter is everyone makes choices—good or bad. A good choice can maintain the strong foundation of a marriage and won’t be devastated that a kitchen cabinet is broken and needs fixing; a bad choice looks at that broken cabinet and chooses to bulldoze the entire house. And the choice that one makes lies with that individual solely. Everyone experiences environmental stresses. Maybe your boss is horrible. But you choose to stay employed, and not talk to human resources because you don’t want to either be unemployed or cause tension at work. You still choose. The power of choice is not taken away from you, even in those moments that you feel that, “I have no choice”; you always have a choice. It may not be favorable to your current circumstances and you may perceive that you will suffer more if you made a certain choice rather than maintaining the circumstance that you are in, but at the end of the day, the choice rests in your hands. It never goes away. It’s an inherent right that is possessed by everyone on this Earth.
It’s ludicrous to me to ever think that a man would think I can keep him from making a choice; that if I cook a certain way, or look a certain way, and be top of my career and be independent enough, and godly enough that I will keep him from straying. Personally, I do not want such a man. I don’t want childish reasoning. I don’t want someone who doesn’t critically think about the messages that exist in this world, and the messages that inundate him and seek to “supplement” his understanding of masculinity. I don’t want a man who thinks one-dimensionally, and does not have courage to express himself freely. Obviously courage is a trait that is challenging in some situations; but I want a human being who knows his environment; he knows himself and his responsibilities and will not make excuses for himself or his behavior. I want a man who is courageous and bold: a man who can stand up for himself; for his beliefs; a man willing to understand others and to show love, to show a love that doesn’t compromise, but a love that is based on truth and mercy. But I digress.
Focus
Feb 8, 2016
I've been developing a daily routine to stabilize and soak myself in the truth: that is, relying on God’s trust; His love, His promises and discipline over my life. It's not an easy thing to understand God love--as simple as it is, our minds and hearts may not always perceive it as such. His promises for our life can sometimes overwhelm us because we sometimes choose to be impatient and run ahead of him --even though he has the blueprint of your life. God’s discipline hurts. His “no's” sometimes aren't the easiest to grasp. His “stop what you are doing”can really hit the nail on the head to get you to reposition yourself.
I remember the very first time God spoke to me. It was in a dream, and although the voice of God was something I wasn't familiar with at the time, I knew he was trying to draw my attention to him. I didn't grow up in church. The idea of prayer wasn't instilled in me at a young age; in fact, the only thing I knew at the top of my head was the Hail Mary since I went to a Catholic school. So the idea of the love of God was distant from my memory and didn't make much sense to me.
FOCUS????
JUST BELIEVE: Part 1
Jan 29, 2016
I am trying to find my footing where believing in God’s promises is concerned. Nana shared a video with me of a man whom God showed his daughter when he was 15 years old. After getting married and trying to conceive (and failing) the couple began to wonder and question the promise God gave to them. Long story short, it turns out the daughter that God showed them was a daughter they adopted.
It was a beautiful story, it made me
tear up; it was admirable how they hung on to God’s promise even in the midst
of all that disappointment. After I watched the video, I thought to myself:
what a beautiful, but depressing story. God gave this guy a promise and the guy
and his wife interpreted the promise one way but God fulfilled it in a
different way. Dare I say, he fulfilled it in a way that was (in my opinion) a
bit unsatisfactory. God did fulfill his promise: that he’d have a daughter
named Chloe, with olive skin, but that daughter was not the fruit of his own
body. Does the child make it less theirs because it was through another woman?
Nope. Perhaps that is something to explore in a different post. But this story made me realize something. I
realize that sometimes God’s promises
are almost allegorical. They go beyond the obvious words that he gives you. In
the case of the video, this man was given a vision of his daughter, and the
name of the child; but it turns out this child was one they would adopt. Obviously
there is a tinge of disappointment there. I assume God didn’t tell him, “the
fruit of your womb will produce this beautiful child named Chloe.” The man and
his wife read INTO what God’s promise was, rather than reading out of it.
Why I believe in you...
Jan 24, 2016
Have you ever felt this emptiness inside of you? As though there has to be more to life than just this. Ever just stood still and let the wind sweep across your face as you watch normal people just go about their day. Questioning their very existence. We only see the outside of human beings; we don't really understand their interior. We don't see the hurt, the burden they carry; the lie they have to live with or the challenges they face. We only see what they choose to present, what they want you to know about them. We don't see the mental battle they deal with on a daily basis; the amount of time it took for that individual to get up and start their day. Do you just sit there and ever think that you are human just like the people who walk pass you every day? You don't utter a word to them. You will never know who they are. You probably won't ever cross paths with them again. But we pride ourselves that we are better because of our status and the money we have. The job titles we have or degree that is framed on our wall. Do you ever stop to just think about these things? If you answered no to all these question then I guess I'm alone in my thoughts once again.
See, this thing called life remains a mystery to me.
From the very moment we escape from our mothers womb we come into contact with reality--although we may not know it or understand it yet. We are birthed into a world of naive perception. Some parents speak good in their children’s life. They claim titles for them, declaring power, and bold statements in their career choice and endless blessings. However, there are others who are birthed into a world of loneliness. The power of rejection is strong and ever-present from conception. At an early age the very thing or only thing we think we know is family. We build bonds with them, put our trust in them wholeheartedly.
But as we become aware of our reality, our perception of our family’s unconditional love changes. Our straight paths become crooked as we encounter the storms of life. Our dependency is no longer on the ones that have nurtured us from birth but in ourselves. Life starts to choke us up and we start to realize that we could possibly be alone to fight this battle. Now, everyone has encountered a period where their dopamine levels drop. "I want my happy back" and all the cliché terms seem to periodically play in your head. But yet happy is nowhere to be found.
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