Sep 23, 2016
I've been really frustrated lately, I'm trying to stay positive while I feel like my head is underwater. Oftentimes we tend to focus on our circumstances instead of the God who can change our circumstances. So if you feel like you're being choked by your worries and all the issues of life, remember that all your days were written even before you existed. Don't forget that the ONE who controls your life knows you✨👆🏾
"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. | Psalms 139:16|".
N.
A Different Kind of Love
Sep 22, 2016
In a world that teaches you that love is a feeling, that love is chemistry, that it’s you and I being able to sit in silence without saying anything and it not being awkward; that love is you making me feel good, that it’s us needing each other all the time, and being able to fulfill each others’ desires, I’m glad you and I are practicing something different. It’s challenging—the type of challenge that makes me walk away in frustration and question why you and I are together in the first place. It’s the type of challenge that forces me to look at my own faults; to look at the way I am selfish and the way I allow my emotions to overwhelm me. It’s the type of challenge that encourages me to confront my insecurities and fears, and gives me clarity after disagreements and fights. It’s the type of challenge that asks me why I expect you to fulfill something that I could do myself in order to have peace between us. It’s the type of challenge that has encouraged me to be mindful about how I act with others, and how I speak.
I
am being cleansed from familiar habits and actions that are not conducive to
the health of you and I. And the more I think about it, I am becoming a
better person for myself too. My impatience is being stretched to forbearance.
Not just with you, but within various spheres in my life. I see myself growing
in a way that is not guided or propped up by my emotions. People cannot provoke
me anymore. Well, no, let me say it like this: I do not allow myself to be
provoked anymore.
You
and I both know this journey isn’t easy. And as much as I revel in how we’ve
chosen not to gratify our desires, it’s as though we are traversing in a
desert, unable to be each others’ oasis, choosing instead to honour God and
ourselves. The road just seems so long, and never-ending; self-improvement and
self-control feel so over-rated; yet, I cannot deny its necessity. Everyone
always says the destination we are headed, although blissful, is not without
mountains and challenges. Interestingly, they never give specifics or examples
of what that looks like.
I’m
starting to truly understand that love is more than what I have grown up
seeing, and being told. Love is more than just great feelings, and fulfilling
our duties to each other. Love is choosing each other everyday; love is
sacrifice, it’s submission, it is grace, it’s selflessness. It is relinquishing
the need to satisfy myself, and my needs and boasting about who I am, and what
I have done to improve our lives. It is protecting, it is honouring. I know you
are the one who I am supposed to be with because I prayed for you, asked about
you and trusted that you are everything that I need. I trust that there is no
need to unwrap all your gifts. I trust God. We both struggle with this
everyday. Certainly it doesn’t make sense to everyone; others may find it
outdated and disdainful. But we are preparing ourselves so that we maintain
habits that will ground us when we are tormented and challenged beyond our
capabilities.
At
the same time, I’d be lying if I didn’t express a bit of apprehension, that inkling
of What if? It’s said that Love never fails. It’s a phrase that is
difficult to grasp because I see a failure of love all around me. Truly, if
love never fails then perhaps what I am seeing is the illusion of love; a
perversion of the real thing.
I
guess that’s why this period is so necessary yet so uncomfortable. We are being
challenged to practice selflessness, to extend grace, and self control, because
we need these things to flourish as a couple and as individuals in a fallen
world.
And
we mustn’t forget that it’s a life-long journey of choosing to do so.
It’s
ok though. We are getting there and we will make it. It’s a different kind of
love, a love that requires us as individuals to transform, as opposed to me
looking at you and telling you that you need to change. I hope we will continue
to value what we are learning. And continue to rise to the challenge.
It’s
a different kind of love.
And
it’s worth it.
"Love is patient. Love is Kind. Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all thing. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
"Love is patient. Love is Kind. Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all thing. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
As I Lament...
Aug 12, 2016
To count the cost or to lose it all to my anxious soul. The lack of patience within me is buried deep down by my blinded thoughts of what or how I think God should be. I lament over my current state. I can barely lift my head, I try to recite the truth about scripture but what meets me half way is the numbness of my thoughts. In melancholy the evil that surrounds me helps me to war with my spirit. It pushes me to denounce the hope that I know because as frail as I am-- so could my faith possibly be--in the moment.
So how did I get here? Where I think it is better to die than to fight for the truth that I've grown to love so dearly. I close my eyes and try to reminisce on the day I was born-- maybe then I could understand my value. I repeatedly recite Psalms 139:13,"you knit me in my mothers womb, you knit me in my... but I'm interrupted by the pain-stricken echo of my conscious uttering curses of the day I encountered life. Taking deep breaths I say to myself to feel pain in an unfamiliar state means death has to be better. The lies overwhelm me, they somehow have manipulated me to believe that it is the only truth. While the only truth lingers between the pages of the Holy Book untouched tucked under my pillow. I can vividly imagine Satan prancing around rejoicing in me slowly losing hope in the anthem I've proclaimed to be my source of everlasting joy.
My spirit tells me to fight, to fight against the lies and to cling to the cross that has redeemed me from the sting of the death. The tears I've cried is anchor for me to lift my hands to the One who can help me. As I search deep within my soul for the peace I know He can give, I feel like I am no longer surrounded by His presence. In chains, I state my plea, " Lord, If I'm your child, if I'm seen as the one you love release me from the pit that I am. For, how long Lord? Will you forget me forever? |Psalms 13:1|.
I feel Lord... I feel like I'm walking with the dead, and in search of joy I find none. There is no sign of your love, the love that can easily break my bones and bring me back into the ashes I am made of. Although, I feel so much pain within me; my heart silently whispers to my thoughts, " how long must we wrestle against each other?|Psalms 13:2| The irony of David sorrows gave me a sense of peace. How could a man who lived over 3000 years ago be able to speak the pain that currently encapsulates the sorrow in my heart?A man of trouble, it was said that David's life reflected the heartbeat of God. I paused and reframe my state of mind to match his unwavering faith...why are you so down cast oh my soul ? |Psalms 43:5|,
Has the Lord not been good to you ? Why not rejoice in him ?|Psalms 13:5| are the questions in scripture I found myself to speak above lies that griped me so tightly.
In meditation of David love for God I'm reminded of God's unfailing love for me, though in my darkness he is the light. In my sorrow I tell myself daily the truth and intentionally fall to my knees, and pick up my bible. Some days I sing songs, and in other days I weep, but I know in my sufferings I'm not alone. I engulf in the truth and I know that although my salvation won't be a linear road. God has promised that he will never leave nor forsake me. It's easy to let our feelings run the show, throw ourselves pity parties but it's important to remind ourselves that our feelings are not our truth. It changes like the seasons. There is a saying that goes like this, "you can't teach a old dog new tricks", well I hate to break it to you in Christ old things are made new. In essence, what I'm trying to say is even in our pain Christ is our comforter but we have to fight the lies and the schemes of the enemy by constantly renewing our minds from our old ways of thinking.
When your skies seem grey, your nights feel lonely and fear surrounds you please don't give up and give into the doubts because on the other side of our struggle glory awaits. We know this to be true because it's promised to us. So we need to understand that there is hope set before us even in our sorrows. Be encouraged, "We have this hope as anchor for our souls, firm and secure. It has ability to lead us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary" |Hebrews 6:19|.
So as I Lament over my sorrows, I rejoice in the glory that is yet to be revealed.
But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. | 1 Peter 4:13|
for the sake of love,
In All Things He Will Supply
Jul 31, 2016
I quickly scrambled to write her number down so I could return the call. A part of me was a bit anxious and worried, but deep inside I mentally played melodies in my head to calm my nerves just incase I was left disappointed. As I dialed the number I could hear my heart beating faster than usual. Trying to grasp my reality while steadily calming myself down, I thought to myself, " Nana don't you trust God enough? Why are you so worried?
The phone rang about 4 times and the voicemail picked up. A little disappointed, I brushed it off and put my professional voice on and eloquently confessed in confidence who I was and if she could please call me back. I waited the whole day; kept my phone by my side—even put it on the loudest volume just so I could hear it ring if was in a different room. I was losing my mind! Mumbling under my breath I rehearsed meaningless questions over and over again to myself." I mean she thought I was qualified for the job, no? Why didn't she returned my call ? All these questions kept running through my head. I waited and she didn't return my call, so I called again—and a couple of times throughout the week and still nothing. I waited the whole week in hopes that she'd call... and nothing. At this moment apart of me became a little discouraged. Although, I didn't utter it but I thought to myself God, why ? Why get my hopes just for it to lead to disappointment?
Thats the thing with many of us such as myself, we don't trust God to be our provider or even trust in his plans or promises for us. We want things done our way so when reality doesn't fall into place we question if God is even good like He says He is. I woke up this morning a little distressed, worried about all the things I haven't paid for. Knowing anxiously the end of the month was near. I paced back and forth in my kitchen thinking of all the things I could possible do to carry me over so these bill collectors wouldn't come knocking on my door. Then I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to go pray. As I started praying God reminded me of Philippines 4:11-13:
" I am not saying this because I am need , for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want."
Paul, seriously, you couldn't give me a break? I mean I think I'm content ? Or am I ? Yes, I've experienced all this Paul, as I reluctantly nodded, agreeing with him that I had experienced plenty and in retrospect been in need many times. Maybe not in dire need, like not having clean water to drink but lets just say the first world problem type of need. Anyways, Paul wrote this letter to the church while he was in prison thanking them for being at his aid in his sufferings. I don't know much people in prison who are this optimistic about their current state. I actually don't know anyone in prison but you get the point. Paul's attitude towards his current situation was summed up in verse 19, " And my God will supply all your needs to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus". He knew that despite the circumstance he was in—chained or free. God would meet all his needs and the needs of the church.
This scripture challenged me, because it puts things in perspective for me that God isn't some genie we can rub and all the riches from heaven will fall into our lap. But He is a God that promises that he will supply all our needs. I know often times I want the big shabang, the huge testimony, but could it be that I just need to be content regardless of my current situation? In essence, if we never get that job, the car, the career or house, can we trust God to supply all our needs and not wants? Now i'm not saying pack up your bags move to some cave or even stop applying for jobs. Thats some extreme faith lol--I'm not judging. However, in the midst of our anxious hearts God just wants us to trust that He will be there for us regardless. It's not something easy to grasp, especially when feelings are involved. But it's practical when we know God works night, day and even overtime. For indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber or sleep | Psalms 121:4|. Let that sink in...
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? |Matthew 6: 25-27|
Outfit Details
T-Shirt by hungryforhim.org
Insta: @hungryforhim
for the sake of love,
N.
Do All Lives Matter?
Jul 16, 2016
I attended Melanin Narratives here in
Edmonton a few months ago and it was amazing. I have never seen so many
beautiful, talented black people in one room in Edmonton! Seriously, it was a
breath of fresh air! I felt myself being rejuvenated surrounded by talented and
gorgeous people who look like me!
While reveling in the glory of God’s
handiwork in that room, I was reminded that “there is nothing covered that will
not be revealed, nor hidden that will not be known” (Luke 12:2). We are living
in an age where the wool that has been pulled over our eyes is being burned,
and our consciousness is being awakened. Through social media we are revealing
the racism that is affecting black bodies and killing black people. We are
illuminating how the perception of black bodies as dangerous permeates in the
very hearts, minds, and actions of those who have voluntarily committed to
serve and protect all citizens. The recent events of the back-to-back
shootings of Alton Sterling in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and Philando Castille in
Minnesota by cops attests to this assertion.
In God’s eyes, all of our lives
matter. We have value. Yet we don’t live in a world that believes this. #BlackLivesMatter is showing us that our world doesn't believe that all lives matter. We
don’t live in a world that values the life of another human being. How can we
claim that all lives matter when we have rampant police brutality and violence
against civilians that we are unwilling to do anything about; where even with
video evidence and witnesses, justice remains illusive for the victims and
their families? When we are unwilling
to hold accountable those who are supposed to serve and protect when they
become the villains on the street and in our communities?
I recently read an article that
stated: “What’s going on when we see racism, brutality, injustice, violence,abuse and hatred in our world and call it everything but what it is—sin?” We sin against God and we reap the rewards of
that sin. We have become gods unto ourselves, answerable to no one, regardless
of who suffers. And we all suffer for it. And much like the shootings in
Louisiana and Minnesota reveal, we need to take responsibility: that is, take
responsibility for saying one life is worth more than another; for accepting
the degenerate belief of the inferiority/superiority of skin colours, and to hold accountable those who err in their duties to serve and protect.
God gave us a choice: to choose life or choose death. We have chosen death
and all its fruit. We are suffering because of the choices and the beliefs that
we have accepted as a society.
Yet, Freedom is our birthright in
Christ. We can break off the chains we have put ourselves in. What happened in
Louisiana, and Minnesota and the shooting of cops in Dallas doesn’t have to be
our reality.
For the Sake of His Love let us "turn away from evil and do good; [let us] seek peace and pursue it." (1 Peter3:11).
--Chenai
Hey Black Girl
May 22, 2016
Hey Black Girl,
Yes, you black girl
You are so beautiful to me.
Yes, you black girl
You are so beautiful to me.
Yes, beautiful
Look at your skin!
Look at your skin!
It glows, it illuminates, it absorbs
It breathes.
It's mesmerizing, yes so enchanting
The greatest thing conceived.
It breathes.
It's mesmerizing, yes so enchanting
The greatest thing conceived.
You are morning, noon and night.
You are the firmament holding stars in you
within you, on you, so much light!
So much light, they comprehend it not.
You are the firmament holding stars in you
within you, on you, so much light!
So much light, they comprehend it not.
That skin! So rich and enriched
You captivate, you enchant.
Melanin so bold, melanin so bright;
You cause a frenzy, a chaotic rapture of emotion!
Dont get lost in your own tailwind!
You captivate, you enchant.
Melanin so bold, melanin so bright;
You cause a frenzy, a chaotic rapture of emotion!
Dont get lost in your own tailwind!
Oh black girl, you beautiful black girl
Love the skin you are in!
Love the skin you are in!
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